The Edge

The edge is where you finally stop and think

do I care

or do I share?

Have I endured enough to share, and then endure the consequences?

Or do I care more for his reaction? For protecting him?

It builds and builds and builds, I care and care and care

I love him I love him I love him so much so hard but it hurts so much I’m on fire

I’m a slow burn inside out

I hold back and back and back

The Wave of Kunagawa is building behind my eyes my heart my fingers my temper

my paper thin temper

my filmy wet sodden temper

I am tired and cannot go further, the wave has crested and overtaken me

Kurosawa drives me and there are no brakes no airbags no barriers no soft landings

Waveof Korusawa

Hokusai overwhelms my heart and the rocket drives my mind and the flames fire under my fingertips and I explode and explode and explode and my feelings drip down down down all over the walls the door the window down down through the floorboards down down drip drip onto the tile on the first floor drip drip down each stair down into the basement

where my soul resides

in the sump hole

my soul collects the remnants of the results the reactions the consequences of my share.

I shared. There will be consequences. My soul will collect them with the others in the dank, dark underside of my home, of my body, of my life.

I love him but there will be consequences. There always are consequences. I chose to absorb them when I chose to share. I still wait for the fallout, the pushback, the aftershocks, the punishment.

Oh. There will be punishment for the share.

There WILL BE PUNISHMENT.

Thous shalt not feel without regard to how those feelings affect those who affected thoust (?) feelings.

I love him, but I shared, because I could not contain the wave, or it will explode my mind my heart my body my future my boys. I physically failed. My floodwalls failed. And I will absorb the flood, the earthquake, the runoff, the pollution, the consequences, which will contaminate the unknown.

I had to save my sanity, without it, I can’t save my boys. I had to save the known. Please understand. I’m sorry you feel bad.

The volcano erupted because I had to save the known. I love you. I love my boys more.

 

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Whirling Dervish! Weee!!!

I have shared panic attacks here before. Now I share a manic episode. I have bipolar disorder, my doc is still sorting out if I have II or rapid cycling.

Where we turn for info. Duh.

3 books started with bookmarks in various places.

I have spent at least $25 at Amazon every night the last 3 weeks. I have nearly 150 items from the library checked out.

I have posts, short stories, a play, a blanket, and 2 comics started.

I can’t focus. I can’t finish.

I cannot make a complete meal for my children.

I am trying to sort a future but honestly I am 42 and I am having a hard time getting more than 30 seconds in a row of decent brain time.

I have one irl confidant who understands but it’s too much for 1 person.

I can’t settle. I can’t have a proper conversation with my kids. I have a VERY difficult time keeping track of appointments, after school activities, etc.

Every single moment I don’t have students, I am questioning my sanity, reality, or what I am supposed to be doing.

I feel myself drifting. I say “sorry, where were we?” all the time. Not to my special ed students. But with my own kids. My colleagues. My typical students.

I can’t concentrate.

Imagine a panic attack without the fear. That’s my manic episode.

Now add some paranoia in for funsies.

That’s my reality.

I never know if I am afraid for a good reason or not. And because I can still taste my father’s tongue inside my mouth, because I feel my neighbor’s finger inside me, I defend my right to feel violation.

I fiercely defend my body and my space.

It’s been going for months. It wasn’t a clear start. It won’t be a clear end.

My mom had bipolar II disorder and hated lithium; she said it felt like she was underwater all the time.

For me, I am not medicated at the moment,and I feel like I am not hearing or seeing clearly ever; it’s like I am underwater.

Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut uppppppp

I can be anyone anything anynoun you want quick hurry please tell me what you want what you need what you want me to be

I only want and need to please.

I need to fit your mold and fit your display and serve.

I am a people pleaser. At my best while manic. Also my worst. For myself.

Probably I would be at my best with the right partner. If my partner knew how to deal with me.

I need to please.

Please, let me please.