Panic Attack

I cannot think I cannot eat I cannot sleep I cannot breathe

I cannot breathe

What if they don’t accept me what is my backup plan what is my next backup plan what is my third backup plan

What if they won’t convert me how will I leave how will I pay how will I leave

What if he fights me how will I leave how will I pay I will never breathe

What if he loves me no more how will I live how will I breathe will I ever breathe

How can I breathe

I’m one in seven billion

How can I breathe

One in seven billion

Do I dare breathe

Do I dare be

Do I dare

So dumb so irrelevant so useless so small why is every thing so big why is every thing bigger than me am I smaller than everything

yet here i am

I am.

i am

I am not breathing but I am

I am.

I Haz A Sad

20170725_163740

I am working on a novel that is a splinter, a spin-off, from a previous series. Minor characters from the series are the major players in this work.

I fucked up.

I mentioned in the series, how these people met. It’s kinda integral to part of that story. However, when I started work on this novel, I magically forgot how they met, and I had them meet in a better, more adorable way.

PLOTHOLE.

Shit shit shit. I annoy myself no end. Gahhhhhh.

I am here

Barely. I take up too much space but I am barely here. Barely heard. Rarely seen. Because I take up too much space.

Just. Just. Just.

I must, I must, I must.

Too much. It’s too much. I’m too much.

I take up too much. Too much memory. Too much time. Too much space. Too much money.

I am dismissed. No heart to call home.

But I am here.

Defiantly here, in spite of my body, in spite of my fractured heart and mind, in spite of efforts to erase all of the above. My efforts, others’ efforts.

Goodbye, Mommy, Goodbye Daddy

I am leaving

for Camp Fatty

I’ll be good here

This I promise

Because otherwise I won’t be known as honest.

Be good. Be quiet. Hush. Don’t give him a reason to yell. Don’t give him a reason to throw. Don’t give him a reason to hit.

It doesn’t matter if he’s not mad, just disappointed. The sting is the same.

I make less noise when thrown than a smaller, more substantial object.

More mass yet less gravity. More mass and less obviously broken. More mass, more to swing, more to swing at.

Mom, what happened to your arm?

I don’t know, hon. What movie should we watch tonight?

Mom, what’s that red streak?

I don’t know, sugar. What would you like for lunch?

Mom, why are you crying?

I’m not, baby. Let’s build a new Spotify list, whaddaya think?

Oh Christ. What’s the matter with your mother now? Sigh. Ugh.

Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t think first. I didn’t mean to see things all wrong.

I’m sorry. I’ll see myself out.

Failing like a CHAMP

Happy Summer, everyone!

I made a chore chart for my kids that looks thusly:

Drink 6 glasses of water (whenever)

Read 2 hours each day (again, whenever)

Brain games (20 minutes of logic puzzles, writing, music-tooting, beatboxing, whatever)

1 hour of exercise

30 minutes of yoga

Oh, and do your chores. If you have any that day.

Apparently, I am a monster.

I don’t have the moolah to send my kids to camp. So I have to have something to fill their days that isn’t Uncle Grandpa or DanTDM or some insane combo thereof.

Today they helped me scout out locations for filming creepy clips for the Dead Leaves book trailer. And then they helped me source parts for a creepy eyeball clock. Unfortunately, eyeballs, human teeth, skin-like pleather, and articulated metatarsals are not a dime a dozen.

HOWEVER. It IS Amazon Prime season, and lo and behold, Amazon DOES have everything we need for our OHMYGAWDWHATTHEHELLISTHAT clock. With free shipping.

I MEAN, SQUEEEEEE!!!!

So, gentle readers, I may be a monster, but I’m a resourceful one and I’m teaching my kids to do the same. For better or worse.

I like to think Mother Bloggess and Father Wendig would be proud.

 

Bish Heads

Super excited for the release of a new collection of short horror, Dirty Leaves, later this week! Until then, friends, enjoy this commentary on internet personalities.

Sung to the tune of Fish Heads

Fish heads, dish heads

Red and blueish wish heads

Eat lead, you’re dead

Eat them up, yum!

In the morning, flashy, dashy fish heads

In the evening, floating in her soup

One fish, two fish,

Pouting just for you, fish,

Bobbin up, bobbin down

Flashing for the goons

Have a conversation with a fish head

Shut it down with nothing to lose

Fishy, fleshy, no sense in their dish heads

Aiming in the barrel

Shakalaka BOOM!

Snapper, tapper, she’ll turn down for loose change

Trapper, capper,

She’ll turn up for booze

Fish heads, dish heads

Molly dolly bish heads

Begging for an offer

What you got to lose?

Easy, peasy, no sense in her g-string

Twirly, flurry, undercurrent run

Cheap trick, fleet trick, only one trick paycheck

One backseat ride

Eat’er up, yum!

On screen, tail swing, nothing else to see here

You get what you give here

Bottled answers

Algorithm done!

 

 

Left Behind Again

 

Left behind again

Latchkey child again

Straighten up, straighten out

You’re not fit to find again

 

Less than, lower than, not up to par

White trash, trailer rash, bondo car

Steal my cash, keep your rash

You never needed me far

Should’ve left that door ajar

 

Every woman wants to be the one

His eyes can’t leave, or be undone

His leader not his feeder not his breeder oh no

His lover and his cover and reader oh no

 

But I was left behind again

A latchkey child again

Open door, another whore

A twist in the turnstyle again

 

I was left behind again

Lost in the noise again

Not worth leaving home for

No Air bnb in Rome for

Just left behind again

 

Better when I’m high

Lesser when I’m dry

Jimi Janis Scott Weiland

Let behind again

Nothing to find again

Copyright 2017 Shannon Cooper

#31ShortHorrors – Not THAT Kind of Help

October 12, 2015

Not That Kind of Help

Help Wanted: Many Happy Returns Crematorium, Inc., is seeking a Motivated Sales Associate to join the ranks in our rapidly expanding Mortuary Service Department.

We Offer:

  • Unlimited Income Potential via a commissioned incentive package
  • Full benefits available (Including Medical, Dental and Vision Insurance, Tuition Assistance Program, PLUS a 401K with a GENEROUS company match)
  • Best in class ~ Professional Training
  • State of the Art Electronic Contract Hardware & Software
  • Best in Class ~ Technology and Sales Operating Systems
  • Flexible Hours
  • Career Advancement Opportunities

Requirements for this position include, but are not limited to:

  • Sales experience is helpful but not mandatory. Someone with the right attitude and a good work ethic can be just as successful as someone with years of sales experience.
  • Desire to help others, and earn a competitive income
  • Ability to work well as part of a team or independently
  • Basic computer and technology skills required

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Greetings,

I am seeking a position in which I can add positive growth to a company under very efficient circumstances. I am fluent in all commonly used operating systems, great with people, and not afraid to get my hands dirty. My resumé and references are attached, and I am available to start immediately.

Regards,

Leland Applegate

Dear Mr. Applegate,

Thank you for applying with our firm. Upon review of your resumé, we do not have any available positions that would suit your experience. We will maintain your submission on file in case an appropriate position opens in the future.

Best,

Deb Hughes, HR representative

Greetings,

I understand you have recently increased your sales force. I am seeking a position in which I can add positive growth to a company via creative market utilization strategies. I am great with people, and not afraid to get my hands filthy dirty. My resumé and references are attached, and I am available to start immediately.

Warm regards,

Leland Applegate

Dear Mr. Applegate,

Thank you for applying with our firm. Upon review of your resumé, we find that our current sales force meets or exceeds the needs of our local market. We will maintain your submission on file in case an appropriate position opens in the future.

Best,

Deb Hughes, HR representative

Dear Ms. Hughes,

I understand you have recently increased your sales force and back-end staff to meet the need for the sudden spike in the local market. I am seeking a position in which I can manage the supply chain logistics required in a company facing an aggressive growth curve such as yours. I am great with people, and not afraid to do what it takes to get the job done. My resumé and references are attached, and I am available to start immediately.

Warm regards,

Leland Applegate

Dear Mr. Applegate,

Thank you for applying with our firm. Upon review of your resumé, we find your experience lacking in the common computer and software systems used in the mortuary industry to efficiently negotiate supply chain and B2B logistics. We will maintain your submission on file in case an appropriate position opens in the future.

Thanks,

Deb Hughes, HR representative

Deb,

I have recently acquired all corporate entities within the logistical supply chain of the mortuary industry in this geographical region. I have created a surplus market, which allowed your business to boom, and your fair city is now 99% employed. What more can I do to demonstrate my motivation and dedication to increasing market share for MHRC, Inc.? My resumé and references are attached, and I am available to start immediately.

Sincerely,

Leland

Hi Leland,

Our CEO has requested an on-site interview panel with you. Please choose a day that is suitable to your schedule:

Wednesday, November 4: 9:00am-2:00pm

Thursday, November 5: 8:30am-1:30pm

Friday, November 6: 8:00am-1:00pm.

Please note, lunch will be provided. Kindly advise of any dietary restrictions when you reply to this email with your interview date of choice.

Thanks,

Deb

Hiya Deb,

Let’s do this on Friday the 6th. All my new residents should be settled in by then, and a new job would be a great way to start of the weekend, don’t’cha think?

I require a high protein diet, so please make sure raw rare steak of some sort is on the menu, and a nice chianti.

I look forward to meeting you! We’re going to have a great time working together!

C-ya,

LA

Dear Mr. Applegate,

You are confirmed for your on-site interview Friday, November 6 at 8:00am. Please bring a photo ID and your parking garage ticket for validation. The menu has been ordered to your requirements.

As I will be out of the office, our CEO Lou Cifer will greet you personally at the front desk.

Good luck,

Deb Hughes, HR, Many Happy Returns Crematorium, Inc.

Dear Mr. Cifer,

Please accept my notice of resignation, effective Thursday, November 5. I have enjoyed my tenure here at MHRC, Inc., and look forward to taking the lessons I’ve learned with me to my next position.

Best,

Deb Hughes, HR