#31ShortHorrors – Not THAT Kind of Help

October 12, 2015

Not That Kind of Help

Help Wanted: Many Happy Returns Crematorium, Inc., is seeking a Motivated Sales Associate to join the ranks in our rapidly expanding Mortuary Service Department.

We Offer:

  • Unlimited Income Potential via a commissioned incentive package
  • Full benefits available (Including Medical, Dental and Vision Insurance, Tuition Assistance Program, PLUS a 401K with a GENEROUS company match)
  • Best in class ~ Professional Training
  • State of the Art Electronic Contract Hardware & Software
  • Best in Class ~ Technology and Sales Operating Systems
  • Flexible Hours
  • Career Advancement Opportunities

Requirements for this position include, but are not limited to:

  • Sales experience is helpful but not mandatory. Someone with the right attitude and a good work ethic can be just as successful as someone with years of sales experience.
  • Desire to help others, and earn a competitive income
  • Ability to work well as part of a team or independently
  • Basic computer and technology skills required

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Greetings,

I am seeking a position in which I can add positive growth to a company under very efficient circumstances. I am fluent in all commonly used operating systems, great with people, and not afraid to get my hands dirty. My resumé and references are attached, and I am available to start immediately.

Regards,

Leland Applegate

Dear Mr. Applegate,

Thank you for applying with our firm. Upon review of your resumé, we do not have any available positions that would suit your experience. We will maintain your submission on file in case an appropriate position opens in the future.

Best,

Deb Hughes, HR representative

Greetings,

I understand you have recently increased your sales force. I am seeking a position in which I can add positive growth to a company via creative market utilization strategies. I am great with people, and not afraid to get my hands filthy dirty. My resumé and references are attached, and I am available to start immediately.

Warm regards,

Leland Applegate

Dear Mr. Applegate,

Thank you for applying with our firm. Upon review of your resumé, we find that our current sales force meets or exceeds the needs of our local market. We will maintain your submission on file in case an appropriate position opens in the future.

Best,

Deb Hughes, HR representative

Dear Ms. Hughes,

I understand you have recently increased your sales force and back-end staff to meet the need for the sudden spike in the local market. I am seeking a position in which I can manage the supply chain logistics required in a company facing an aggressive growth curve such as yours. I am great with people, and not afraid to do what it takes to get the job done. My resumé and references are attached, and I am available to start immediately.

Warm regards,

Leland Applegate

Dear Mr. Applegate,

Thank you for applying with our firm. Upon review of your resumé, we find your experience lacking in the common computer and software systems used in the mortuary industry to efficiently negotiate supply chain and B2B logistics. We will maintain your submission on file in case an appropriate position opens in the future.

Thanks,

Deb Hughes, HR representative

Deb,

I have recently acquired all corporate entities within the logistical supply chain of the mortuary industry in this geographical region. I have created a surplus market, which allowed your business to boom, and your fair city is now 99% employed. What more can I do to demonstrate my motivation and dedication to increasing market share for MHRC, Inc.? My resumé and references are attached, and I am available to start immediately.

Sincerely,

Leland

Hi Leland,

Our CEO has requested an on-site interview panel with you. Please choose a day that is suitable to your schedule:

Wednesday, November 4: 9:00am-2:00pm

Thursday, November 5: 8:30am-1:30pm

Friday, November 6: 8:00am-1:00pm.

Please note, lunch will be provided. Kindly advise of any dietary restrictions when you reply to this email with your interview date of choice.

Thanks,

Deb

Hiya Deb,

Let’s do this on Friday the 6th. All my new residents should be settled in by then, and a new job would be a great way to start of the weekend, don’t’cha think?

I require a high protein diet, so please make sure raw rare steak of some sort is on the menu, and a nice chianti.

I look forward to meeting you! We’re going to have a great time working together!

C-ya,

LA

Dear Mr. Applegate,

You are confirmed for your on-site interview Friday, November 6 at 8:00am. Please bring a photo ID and your parking garage ticket for validation. The menu has been ordered to your requirements.

As I will be out of the office, our CEO Lou Cifer will greet you personally at the front desk.

Good luck,

Deb Hughes, HR, Many Happy Returns Crematorium, Inc.

Dear Mr. Cifer,

Please accept my notice of resignation, effective Thursday, November 5. I have enjoyed my tenure here at MHRC, Inc., and look forward to taking the lessons I’ve learned with me to my next position.

Best,

Deb Hughes, HR

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